Who Farted?

Haha!
I absolutely love it when you are on a crowded train, it's hot, everyone is cranky, and you let out a silent ripper that's so bad people's eyes begin to water. My own personal schadenfreude. Watching these humble commuters silently gag on my ass reek brings me to a level that one can only describe as pure bliss. Ecstasy even. Savoring my own brand of perfume while others' faces melt in a confined area such as the subway is my own personal glimpse into the Elysian fields. I know I will sleep well that night, thinking of how I'd enlightened 20-30 people as to what I'd eaten that day via olfaction. True Heaven.
Now when the shoe is on the other foot, when some 90 year old, crusty, dry, seconds from death foreign woman lets out her version of the bubonic plague that's been festering in the bowels (literally) of hades for the last 20 years, I am filled with a sense of madness that can only be comparable to rabies.
You know who let the silent ninja, that SBD (silent but deadly) go and is enjoying it is the one person who is wearing a smile while everyone else is shoving sparklers up their nose to ease the pain.
That being said, let me tell you about my morning! I decided that I would have a nice omelet for lunch. I had a bag of frozen onions and peppers in the freezer, so I pulled them out, cooked them up, and then added a cup of my favorite egg substitute (cooks up like egg, tastes like egg, but only 30 calories a serving and cholesterol free, it is the egg that doctors, recovering cholesterol addicts, and health nuts agree upon). While it was cooking up, I got ready for the day: brush the teeth, comb the hair, scratch myself inappropriately in front of the open window, curse loudly at the radio, and scare away any children that generally look like the will be within 10 feet of stepping on my lawn. This is normal.
When it was finished cooking, I slid this delicate culinary delight out of the pan and into my Tupperware container. I save all the plastic take out containers because they are really durable, and its good to recycle, yada yada.
I rush out to the train, and get on board moments before it started to head into town. I sat down, pulled out "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" and began my read.
Slowly, oh so slowly, this rancid fart was making its rounds. It smelled bad. Really bad. People were making faces. I was too. I didn't fart, so therefore I was not enjoying it! I mean, really... 7:30 am, who is in that much of a rush that they couldn't shit before coming to work? NAH... I'LL JUST SLEEP AN EXTRA 4 MINUTES, AND SHIT LATER! I CAN ALWAYS LET OUT A FEW ASS CLOUDS, NO ONE CARES!!! WHAT DOUCHE BAG SUCKER LET ONe.....
and then I noticed that it smelled of eggs. And onions. And peppers.... dear god, I had created a monster, but not as delicious nose candy to myself, but as my meal!
I was truly embarrassed for once: here I was, seemingly to let out this putrid stench of sulfur and rotting vegetation from my ass, when in all actuality it was from my lunch! Had I actually ass queefed this stench, I would be proud! But since I didn't, I couldn't take the credit and wear a smile... I had to look embarrassed. Everyone, even myself included, had a horrible, brimstone and quagmire stench commute.
At least the omelet tasted good.