Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The stuff I over hear

While I was showering at the gym this morning, what did I over hear someone say to another man?

"Hey man, how's it going?"
"I'm good, what's new?"
"Not much... oh, hey, you wear your hat to the table, huh?"
"Yeah, never had it done. The wife loves it."
"That's cool. Hey, listen, I gotta go, I'll see you tomorrow!"
"Bye Mike"

What? Wait, What?! Huh?! WHAT DID HE SAY?!
When did it become Kosher to talk about a man's circumcision while showering at the gym?!! Normally you are just supposed to stare from afar and act like you aren't looking. These two fellows just up and change the rule. What's next?

"Hey Steve, how's life?"
"Good! Hey, I never knew you had 3 testicles! That's groovy!"
"Yeah, the wife loves it."

Or how about

"Hey Jim, what's shakin'"
"Oh hey Roy. Say Roy, you are awfully stretched down there. You ok?"
"Oh yeah I'm fine. Just had me a really deep anal fisting from a guy in the steam room"

Then what's after that?

"Hey Tom... let me help you with that...(nom nom gag)
"Oh, thanks Mark, little to the left, that's it. Thanks a bunch."
"Did you eat pineapple and asparagus?"

What the fuck?! Come on people, show a little dignity! Talk about the weather or sports, don't ogle each other's wedding tackle! Jeese... I'm gay and I'm complaining!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Pride Weekend Part II (SURPRISE!!!!)

So after all that stuff happened on Saturday, June 13th, I had planned on having lunch with my buddies on Sunday the 14th at Dbar. I love Dbar, a really nicely decorated restaurant with great food and tons of the gays. It's an upscale restaurant that caters to the gays!


After getting home at around 2:30am and finally crashing into bed around 2:45am, I am awakened by an alarm. I can't remember if it was Tim's alarm or mine. Needless to say I didn't want to get out of Bed. Tim kept saying "It's 10am, get up and get ready! We have to meet your friends for 11 at Dbar!" Never before had he cared about me being on time for my friends, but needless to say I didn't think anything of it.


I showered and got dressed, and then Tim started to say that he was feeling a bit under the weather (he was holding his stomach and he said that he had the runs). I felt bad and was going to stay home, but he said that I should go and not worry about him. He also reminded me that it was now 10:45am and I was going to be late getting to my friends.


So I give him a peck on the cheek (I don't want what he caught) and I rush outside to my car. I turn the engine on and the time on the digital display reads "10:25". I just thought that Tim had been inching the clock forward so he won't ever be late for his class.


I get down into Cambridge, pick of Chris Erdo, and then we make our way over into Charlestown to pick up Patrick LeRoy. Unlucky for us, Charlestown was having it's "Bunker Hill Memorial Parade". The already freakishly confusing one way streets of Charlestown were now being converted into a veritable kamikaze mission. I felt like a mouse in a maze, only there was no cheese for a reward and the soundtrack was Cher and Madonna.


We finally make it to Dbar. We sit down with Chris, his friend, John Cesanick, Victor and Peter (the handsome married couple) Matt Brooks, Chris Erdo, Patrick LeRoy, and myself. The usual jovial banter about gayness ensues, and I smile because this is the only time I can let my caddy self out of the closet and do some bitchin' gossip. Sort of like gay therapy. After a few moments of sitting, I realized that I had forgotten my wallet in my car. In Dorchester. So I excuse myself and rush out, thinking that for sure I was going to see some crack-whore blowing a Chinese business man while he was doing lines off a mirror, using my credit cards to cut up the blow in the back of my car. Thankfully I had locked my doors, and that didn't happen.


I head on back inside, and we sit and have some nice Brunch. I got the Eggs Benedict ( a rich and filling dish). The meal being finished, we were all going to go out separate ways, when Matty says "Oh, we have some time to kill before we are all going to the Block party tonight. Let's head up to Reading so I can buy some comic books at that cool comic book store". Matty had come up previously and had brunch with us before, and we stopped in and looked at a really cool comic book store in Reading.


I was a little put off, mostly because it was doom and gloom outside, what with the lovely June rains and all. I didn't mind Matty coming up, but I didn't want to go to the damn block party if God was going to be pissing on us the whole time. I just wanted to go home and sleep the shit out of my bed. I was tired!


I acquiesced (of course) and Matty, Patrick, Chris, and I piled into my car and started to drive up to Reading. Poor Patrick had some surgery on his jaw and was in a lot of pain, so he asked if I could drop him off in Charlestown. Thankfully the parade was over by now.


As we were driving along, Matty was in the backseat yacking up a storm to one of his friends. He was actually being kind of loud, but that's Mat :). I decided to call Tim and ask him what the hours were of the comic book store in Reading, that way if it was closed we could all just stay in the city. I called, he answered, I asked, and in the middle of chatting with him he hung up. I just figured there was a problem with his phone. He called back a few minutes later, and he told me the hours, and that he'll see us when we get there.


As we were driving up, somewhere around the Malden exits, Matty is sitting in the back seat saying "Oh boy, do you think we could go to your house first? I ate something bad!". I started to pick it up, not looking forward to having him drop ass in my bathroom. Why was he going to punish my toilet? It never did anything bad to him. Oh well, I guess better the toilet than my back seat.


So I pull into my driveway, and I start showing off my place from the outside to my friends. It was just Matty, Chris and I, so I was explaining the yard (yah, we can play on the grass!) and the laundry (we have our own! No coin-op for us!). Ahhh the benefits of living outside the city.


I open the door, and walk upstairs and I hear Tim call out "Kevin?"


and this is where I will post a video. You can see Anthony trying not to ruin the surprise by holding his mouth to suppress the laughter!


I said "Are you decent?!" and when he came around the bend, I said "Oh God, put some clothes on, my friends are here!" Trying to be cheeky funny.


Tim says "Don't be angry, I rearranged the furniture"


Me - "AGAIN??!! But I liked it the way it was!"


He told me to close my eyes so he could lead me in and show me.


So I do, I close my eyes, he leads me into the living room, and says to open them.


When I do, I am surrounded by a bunch of my friends ans family, and they all yell
"SURPRISE!!!" There is a big banner that says "Happy Birthday, Kevin!"


video


It was a big surprise birthday party! For me! I didn't know what to say so I smiled and said thank you and kind of walked around like I was hopped up from huffing paint fumes for a few minutes. I was very happy!


It turns out that my innocent boyfriend had been plotting and scheming behind my back for the past few months! Everyone was in on it! That is why he wanted me to stay out drinking the night before with Joe, that way he could clean the apartment and hide all the food! Also why he was so damn anxious to get me out of the house Sunday morning, and why he "fell ill" with the trots and couldn't come! He was planning it all!


Matty was also in on it, and when I left to get my wallet from the car, he told everyone that I was eating with that he had to keep me there for at least 1 hour while Tim got everything ready, and people were showing up!


Apparently Matty was also on the phone with Tim in the car, telling him where we were going, and when we would get there. When I called Tim, he was still on the line with Matty, and quickly hung up on him, then me to talk to him, then he called me back! I suspected nothing!


It was really a fun time! A lot of my friends and family showed up too!


For presents, I got a bread machine (which makes wonderful loaves of bread!) from Julie, Chris, and Adam. I got a Coleman portable grill from my parents, $40 from our neighbors downstairs, which is a lot considering we never really talk to them, a nice cake platter and some sphincter shrinker (I shit you not, that's the name of it) hot sauce from Anthony and Michelle. The awesomest gift that I got was a Nintendo Wii from Timothy! That son of a gun bought me a Wii console. So much for the $30 limit we set for each other!


Now I'm no longer going to the gym, and I'm going to be sinking all my money into buying games for this console. Thanks a bunch hun! I love it!


My brother and sister-in-law bought me some rechargeable batteries and a docking station for the wii remotes, that way we won't run out of batteries, and also a game called "Wario's Dance Moves" which I think is wicked fun. You do all sorts of different moves with the Wii remote to accomplish tasks. Pretty fun!


So we wined and dined the night away, then I pulled out the Wii and opened it up, and we all took turns bowling on it. It was a lot of fun.


My friend Adam and his girlfriend Erica came early and manned the grill out in the rain for Tim and I, and then they stayed a while later and we chatted after the party and smoked out of my hookah. It was a fun time had by all!


Thanks so much guys! It was a wicked blast!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Pride Weekend Part 1

This past weekend was very busy. I'll go over the first part, and then in a later post delve into the juicier second half.

Friday night, the little man, myself, and Tim's lesbianic friend / classmate Jen (she's a hoot!) decided to go to "Queer Guerrilla Bar Take Over". Basically this is a Facebook group that gathers all the gays in the city and goes to a straight bar and makes it a "gay bar" for the night. There is usually a lot of a gay people and confused straight people. We've gone many times before, and usually it is wicked fun. Last Friday it was a bit of a bummer, mostly because the DJ was so horrific. He'd mix 4 songs together, play a snippet of each song, then move on to another abomination to the ears. You could dance fast for 30 seconds to one song, then there would be an infusion of Meatloaf (the singer, not the food) "And I would do anything for love..."

HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU DANCE TO THAT?!

Eventually we crapped out around 1am and went home. I promptly let my head hit the pillow before I had to get up and finish a cake for my friend Joe. His mother had passed away one year ago, and the funeral was held on my birthday (June 23). So it stands to reason that his memorial party was going to be held on the 23rd of June, but of course fate likes to laugh at me and the party was decided to be held on the weekend of pride. The one weekend where all the gays converge on Boston and basically rule the city, I was going to be forced to miss a major chunk of it to go to this Memorial party.

Sigh. I can't really complain, because it is a memorial service, and a friendship is more important than seeing go-go boys wave their bulging speedos in our faces on Boston Common.

So here I am, 8:30 am, frosting a cake with a sweet chocolate grenache (most of which I ate out of the pot) then decorating the cake with pink and white stars. I've done this before, and it makes the cake look like a sea anemone. Sorry I didn't take pictures, I was kind of tired and didn't think of it. Thank God for Coffee.

I finish the cake just in time to jump in the shower, then rush off with Tim to Oak Grove to catch the orange line down to Downtown crossing so we could watch the parade outside of the state house. We like watching it there because it is usually shaded and not that crowded.

Tim's friends eventually met up with us as we witnessed the parade. Free condoms were passed out, as well as various articles on how to keep yourself STD free. Also information on how to help someone in an abusive relationship, as well as (my favorite) free comics from sexy men dressed up in super hero garb. There was the Flash, and Nightcrawler, and Batman. I am so going to Comicopia from now on for all my comic needs! I was also handed a cotton black thong from the Jaggermister float. It was a good time had by all!

Unfortunately, Tim was beaned pretty hard by a flying medallion from the Jaggermister float. As it struck, everyone (including myself) went "Oooohhh!....SfSfSfSfSfSf!!! (that sucking noise you make through your teeth when you witness something painful happening, or when you just got kicked in the shin). He was ok though, and we immediately went back to gawking at the Jagger hotties.

The parade over, the throng of Tim's friends and I made our way through the flamboyant press to Government Center, where the "Festival of Gayness" (as I call it) was taking place. Government center is basically taken over by tons of gay vendors and gay activities. Two years ago I signed up with my gay bowling league there. This year there wasn't much there except more free condoms and other freebees.

I also saw my favorite porn star walking through the crowd. Trevor Knight was just hanging out without his shirt on. I should have gotten a picture.

From here Tim and I went over and had lunch at Whole Foods. They have a really bitchin' salad bar there. You can go and load your plate up with completely un-salad like things like falafel and grilled chicken. After dinning, we decided to go home since we were pretty beat. When we got home, my head hit the pillow and I was lost to oblivion. I woke thinking I hadn't even rested.

I had to rush to get ready to go down to Easton for Carolyn Witt's memorial service hosted by Easton's best: The VFW. Last time I was there it was like walking into the exhaust pipe of a really big Mac truck. Since it is a private club, smoking is still legal there.

I arrived at around 7:30pm, and much to my pleasant surprise, the VFW had become smoke free! Though that didn't stop the old time crusties from lighting up 3 feet from the door and walking outside with a lite cigarette, or actually exhaling their last lungful of black, slightly blue smoke as they came in and sat down next to you. Oh well, can't teach all the old dogs new tricks.

We at hors d'euvers and everyone liked my cake. There was a DJ and dancing, and we watched a movie on the life of Carolyn Witt. Mostly just a montage of pictures, but it was moving and very nice.

I was all set to go home around 9 o'clock so I could meet Tim in the city and go to the Roxie. I wasn't too thrilled about the idea, it was going to be $30 to get in! That's a lot, considering there would probably be crappy music, but you would definitely get to see some sexy men scantily clad and bumping and grinding up against everyone. A few of my friends were going, and I figured that Tim and I would join them considering it only comes around once a year (meaning Pride only happens once a year, and all the gay clubs think "Why not charge the pickle puffers an arm and a leg to get in?! They have extra income!").

I called Tim, and he said "Well, we can go" and I was kind of dragging my feet. I said "I don't really want to, I have the Internet, I can always see naked men there". He said he would pay for me and it would be his present to me, for an early birthday present.
I said that I didn't actually want to go (truth be told) and he said that he didn't either, and I should stay down in Easton with Joe and hang out. So I did.

Joe Witt has the amazing power to make you do things you do NOT want to do. I'd thought I'd developed a certain resistance to him, but in fact I still am a weak willed bastard that acquiesces to everything.
"So we going to RCC?!" - Joe
"I don't really want too... it is late and I have a long drive home. Let's just drink here" - I say
We argue for a bit, and Joe finally agrees to have just one more drink at the VFW before I leave.
Well, that's all it took. That extra 3 oz of Grey Goose got me lubed up, so when he asked "So, we going to RCC?!" I said yes. But only for one drink ;).

RCC or Randolph Country Club is, as you would call it, a gay dive bar. It exists, and it is found in Randolph Massachusetts. On any typical night, you will find a collection of low lives, old people, and confused twenty somethings that haven't realized that there is are better gay bars just half an hour North AND South in Boston and Providence. This place caters to the lazy queer that doesn't want to travel that far from home.

Don't get me wrong, I love RCC. You can drink outside by a pool (Yes, they have a greasy, slimy pool) on nice nights, and I in general have a good time. On a side note, the only people that hit on me there are the very old (65+) or very socially awkward (something ain't right with Billy...). Sometimes the two merge together to create a socially awkward senior who wants me to be his trophy boyfriend.

Thanks, I'm honored. Let me just break up with my hot 27 year old spinner I have at home so I can wipe your ass after I change your diaper, you infirm bastard. How the hell did you get out of the nursing home anyway? Are you lost? I know you are confused...

So here I am, Saturday night at Pride, having a drink with Tabitha, Miss Karen Azulay, and Joe (all men). Exactly where I didn't want to wind up on the night of pride. Fantastic. After being served a revolting vodka tonic (I had forgotten that you DO NOT order the house vodka, gin, tequila, bourbon, scotch, or, in general, house anything) we wandered outside by the pool. I had put down my drink on the bar, and one of Joe and Tabitha's barber friends drunkenly staggered over to us. He was a short little thing, 4 foot nothing and full of groping 40 year old charm. He slurredly tried to sex us up and engage in conversation, but didn't realize that all his sentences were coming out sounding like one long word. "heyaboiswhatssexin?" I think is what he said.
I actually like him, because he drunkenly put down his drink, promptly forgot which one was his, and grabbed mine and downed it. Thanks a bunch! You saved me a hangover of terribleness.

So it is 1 am, and I'm running off very little sleep, so I say goodbye to my friends, and drive the hour home. I have brunch in the morning at 11 am at Dbar in Dorchester the next morning. I'll post about that later on. Phew! That's a long post and it isn't even done!