FREE MONEY MACHINE!!!

Ok, so this shit only happens in Urban Legends:
Today is Harikrishnan's birthday. We all decided to go to Thaitation (formerly Brown Sugar) and get some delicious Thai food. A few of us had no money, so we went to the Landmark Center Bank of America ATM. A man was standing in front of me at the machine, and then turned and said "I think it's broken. It keeps making this noise". I just assumed it was broken, considering it still had the "Thinking" screen up.


It clicked over to the normal screen of "Insert your card" and I thought, what the hell, I'll try it. I put my card in, and withdrew $40. When the machine spit out my money, I noticed that there were some crumpled bills in the way. My mind said "OOOH!!!" and before I could snatch them out, the machine closed up. "Damn it" I thought.


I could still see a small corner of the crumpled money sticking out of the machine. I figured "Hey... try again" only this time I held onto that small corner. I withdrew an additional $20 out, and like dying relative who is trying to buy their way into heaven, I easily got an extra $60!
I felt bad like I'd stolen the previous guys money. I felt bad, but not bad enough to turn it in! Now I have the extra coin I need to buy a camera! Yeah!
Now I only hope that I won't have to turn it in.

What's that strange noise?

I was riding on the commuter rail on my way home, and I was doing my normal "Lay-your-head-back-and-close-your-eyes-and-cat-nap" when I started hearing this strange noise. It was kind of base-y with a rasp to it. I was starting to think something was wrong with the train. It went on for a few minutes, and it was really boggling my mind. I didn't understand what it was until the train screeched to a halt at Wakefield center.
The conductor opened the door and bellowed "WAKEFIELD" and my head snapped forward and I lurched in my seat, coming to a full attention and out of my sleep state, thus causing the noise to stop.
That's right: that strange noise I was hearing was my snoring. I was partially asleep and I could hear myself snore. I think it was for quite a few minutes, and multiple stops on the line. The train was packed, and at Wakefield center it emptied out, so that means that there were a quite few people who heard me snore for a long while. Grand. I have see these people everyday! Now I have to avert my eyes for a few months so they can forget about "Ol snory". I was pretty gassy too, I hope that I didn't let out a few rippers. Course I'll never know if I did...

We are the Champions!

We came in SECOND tonight in my bowling league!!! Second out of 22!!! We RULE!!! Last year we didn't even place! My average is a 123, but it has consitantly gone up! Tonight I bowled a 164, 157, 148. CONGRATULATE ME!!!!

NNNNGahhh ::KLANK!!!:: NNNNGaahhhhh ::KLANK!!!::

Picture this:

It's 5:30 a.m., Wednesday May 6, 2009. You are at the gym. Everyone there is groggy. Even the staff. It's 5:30 a.m. fer chrissake. Everyone is groggy, except NNNNGahhh guy!

NNNNGahhh guy is my new favorite person at the gym. The man probably weighs 175lbs, and stands about 5'6". Probably around 40 years old, and he's solid muscle.

Everyone else at the gym does their work out silently and resentfully. NNNNGahh guy does his push ups, and at the height of each push up, he bellows "NNNNNGAHHH!!"

He'll put about 500lbs(no lie) of weight on a machine, throw his back into it (it really looks like he is going to hurt himself) and screams "NNNNGAHHHH!!" as he pulls the weight back, lets it slam down ::KLANK!!:: and does another rep. So that at 5:45a.m. you can here the smooth music of Kiss 108 fm playing, as well as "NNNNNGAHHHH!!!" ::KLANK!!!:: "NNNNNNGAHHHHH!!!::KLANK!!!:::

I love him for that reason alone. But there is more!

I finish my work out and strip down and put on my towel in the locker room, and I go to the stall, and pull the shower curtain closed. Because the gym is cheap and doesn't replace torn shower curtains, they don't exactly close you off and give you complete privacy; just enough privacy to keep your goods private. I can totally see people walking buy as they enter the shower area. Usually old men and no lookers.

NNNNGAHHH guy comes in, naked as cheap whore in a hotel room, pulls the shower curtain to the side and wraps it around his towel hook, thus exposing himself completely to everyone as he showers. He's kind of at an angle so I don't see anything, but I know that his stall is completely visible. People walk buy and look the other way so as to give some modicum of decency to the showering guy. Why, I don't know since he obviously wants you to look. Or he just might be freaked out by the dirty shower curtain.

Anyway, I'm showering, then I hear moans coming from his stall. It is his stall because presently we are the only two showering. They aren't moans of pleasure, or of pain, or of someone relaxing after a good work out. No, these moans startle me to the point of thinking that there is a FUCKING ZOMBIE!!! In the next stall! Deep throated, guttural moans that should be accompanied with a raspy "Braaaaiiiinnnnssss". Thankfully he didn't do that.

So I get out of the shower, towel off, and go to my locker and start changing up. Ten seconds later, out struts NNNNGAHhh guy, naked and dripping, and to my shock, sporting a semi-stock. Not big enough to fly your flag, but enough to notice. I guess it was a pleasurable moan after all!

This isn't the only funny thing he does. He lays down his towel and sprays his feet with what I assume to be an anti-fungal. Normal procedure at a gym. Foot hygiene is important. He then puts his undies on, then puts his sock and shoes on. Let me go over that again. He puts his underwear on, then his socks, then his shoes. No shirt, no pants. Just boxer briefs with socks and shoes.

So here is a man all clean and aroused from the shower, freshly deloused, and now strutting around in with his fruit of the loom, argyle socks, and penny loafers on. I wanted to ask him if he noticed that he forgot a step, I mean, we all have a rough day from time to time, I know I've left the house without brushing my teeth, but I had to leave the locker room because I was done changing and didn't want to linger.

I asked the guy near me if NNNNGAhhh! forgot a step. He looked at me weird, but then looked at the man I gestured too, and he gave a little shrug / snort / chuckle. I love the gym.

The Penis Tax

Yesterday, May 4th 2009, I realized I had yet to pick up my monthly commuter pass at work. We deduct a little of our pay each week so we can pick up the $140 zone 2 commuter rail link pass at our commuter services at work. I didn't pick it up on Friday, May 1st, so I was totally screwed when Monday, May 4th came around.

This has happened to me before, and usually the conductors are nice when I tell them the situation. I usually show them my previous months' passes (I keep a few in my wallet, mostly because I'm lazy and don't take them out) and they say "Well, don't let it happen again". I then pick up the pass at work, and I'm all set.

Yesterday, that wasn't the case. An older male conductor said to me "It's the 4th. I will have to charge you". I silently grumbled as I handed over the $5 and he gave me back a quarter. I was angry with myself over having to have thus paid twice for the commuter rail. Once for the pass, and once just then.

I go on to reading my book: "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies". It's about the story "Pride and Prejudice" but with zombies. Fun read. Anyway, I hear the conductor move down a few seats, and I hear a woman's voice. For some reason I zoned in on this.

"Tickets, passes" -Conductor

"I didn't pick mine up yet from work, I'm really sorry" -pretty, attractive woman around 26 years old.

"Oh... well be sure to pick it up and let me see it tomorrow, ok?" - Ass hat conductor

"Thanks, I will, I'm really sorry" - woman who obviously can't see that Jack Sauce the haploid conductor wants to give her his pass, if you know what I mean.

"Don't worry about it, it happens" - Sir Colonel Douche of the double standard regime.

"Thanks" said the loose trollop.

I sat and silently fumed about how the world had screwed me yet again, but then I realized something that made me instantly calm down, and feel a thousand times better:

I can stand when I pee.

If that means I have to pay the occasional $4.75 for a commuter rail ticket, then may the tax come. Unfortunately it isn't a tax based on anything dimensional, because I then think that $4.75 may be a bit steep, and come April 15th, I should be getting some money back!
Until next time,
I'll keep paying the penis tax.

My very first Blog! (Someone get the camera, baby is taking his first steps!)

I've decided to make a blog. I was going to do it just about my daily commute, considering I see so many funny things and hilarious people on my daily trek, but I've decided to do it about everything. Almost everything is funny if you look at it in the right light!

Now that I've started a blog, I'll have to buy a camera so that I can post pictures of the hilarious shit that I've seen. Also I'll have to start posting old stories of things I've done / things I've seen that tickle me pink. As for now, just be happy that I've actually started this thing up.

I know what everyone is thinking: "Oh God, another Blog where someone just bitches about life" but it won't be like that. I'm just gonna put up things that are out of the ordinary. If I ever blog about how "The cafe ran out of 1.5% milk today ::gasp::" someone tell me to get a pnuematic drill and put it to my head to bore out the lame. Oh, by the way, I can't spell. Get used to it.