Sunday, October 4, 2009

Taxi Service

Good Lord.

Ok, here we go. I'm heading down to DC for work tomorrow, and my flight is at 7am. Technically, since it is a domestic flight and I will have no checked baggage, I can probably show up around 6:30, maybe even 6:45 and be ok. But I'm friggin' paranoid, so I want to show up around 6am. That way I'll be there, I don't have to be stressing if I'm going to miss the plane, and I can sit and enjoy a coffee from Dunkins.
The trip from Reading to Logan airport is about 20 minutes, maybe more if there is traffic. I'm not too worried about there being traffic at 5:45am on a Monday morning, but I'd like to give it a little wiggle room just in case. That means, I would love to leave my house at around 5:30am to get to Logan airport for 6am, for my flight at 7am. I know there will be a lot of sitting around, but I'd rather sit and wait for an hour with my thumb up my ass than be kicking myself in the balls because I missed my flight by 45 seconds.
Being the kind and loving boyfriend that I am (I just farted and repulsed my boyfriend who was rubbing my shoulders as I type) I figured that I should take a taxi rather than wake up Tim and have him drive me.
I google up some taxi services in Reading MA, and low and behold there are 14 of 'em! Christ! How many business people need a goddam limo ride to and from the airport?!
Ok, let's see. "Calculator" (names have been changed to protect the innocent) airport service. They have 4 excellent reviews, let me try them.
First try: ring. ring. Ring. RING. RING! RRRIIINNNGG!!! Fucking pick up the god damn phone! This is 2009! Who the fuck doesn't have a friggin' answering machine this day and age?!
I hang up. And because I'm a prick I immediately call back.
Second try: Ring. Ring. RINNG. RRRRIIINNGGGG! "Hello?"
"Uh, hi, how's it going?" - shit, what was I going to ask?
"Good, can I help you?" the man asks
"OH right, I need a ride to Logan airport from Reading MA tomorrow at 5:30am"
"Ok, let me call you back and see if we are available"
Fine. Take your time. In the mean time I decided to make some english muffins (from scratch!) and also make some chicken carbonara (from scratch).
He calls back. "Sorry, my guy's out sick, let me see if I can find someone else. I'll call you back" he hangs up. Leaving me very confused.
An hour later he calls back "Ah, well, actually I can't do 5:30, is 5 - 5:15 ok?"
You know, it isn't. I already have to get up super fucking early. Any earlier and I might as well just go sleep at the damn airport. "Let me call you back"
So I go to the second one on the google list.
First try: Ring, Ring "Hello?"
"Ah, hi, how's it going?" - Why do I keep forgetting what I'm calling about? Must be C.R.S.
"Good, good, can I help you?"
"Yeah, I need a ride for tomorrow at 5:30 am..."
"Actually" he interrupts "I'm out on a porch enjoyin a beer after the Pats game, you mind calling my wife? It's a family business?"
"Hahhahaha, um, sure, what's the number" - he gives me the number and I politely hang up.
What the hell, I love family businesses. More likely not to drive like an asshole because they only have one or two cars. I figure. So I call the wife.
"Hello, first rate limo service, how can I help you?"
"Ah, hi, how are you?" - Obviously too much mercury in the water.
"I'm fine... do I know you?" says the wife.
"Probably not. I need a ride tomorrow morning at 5:30am to Logan from Reading MA"
"Oh, ok, let me check ::Pause:: yup. we can do it. That'll be $75. That ok?"
"I ain't payin' for it. Sure it's fine with me"
"haha, ok, see you 5:30 am"

Ok, because I'm such a good guy, I decide to call up "Calculator" and let him know I won't need his service.
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. "Hello?"
"Oh, hi, it's me" - Like we've become best friends and I know him.
"How's it going?"
"Yeah, I'm not gonna need the ride, thanks anyway!" I say, chipper as a bird.
"Oh ok, no problem. Sorry I've not been getting back to you quicker. I just got out of the hospital. I had ah... what'd I have? Oh I had a herniated umbilical cord. Yeah. I almost died, I've been tied up for about 2 weeks. My son came over and said 'We gotta get you to a hospital'. He took me and the doctor said 'If you'd come in on Monday (this was Sunday), you'd be dead! So I've been healing up from that. I could barely sit, let alone lay down! It was wrapped around my small intestine. It messed me up!"
Ok. For those of you who say I give out too much information, you need to call up "Calculator" and talk to this guy. King of TMI. Seriously. My mouth hit the table when he was telling me this. My jaw still hurts at dropping so far. Really? Do I need to know this?! Good lord!
I sat there just saying "Oh, wow, oh my, wow, ok, huh, wow, ok". Finally he paused and I said "Well, I hope you feel better" and hung up the phone. I'm still traumatized.

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